Sex Acts
His and Her Sex Moves for the Overly (and heinously) Adventurous
We’ve all heard about these horrific sex moves created to tickle the funny bones of the inner teenage boy in all of us. From the mildly “waaaay past vanilla” kinky to the down right “you should really get a restraining order and go into witness protection” obscene. Here are 6 infamous sex acts and our newly created gender equal counterparts.
Original: Dirty Sanchez where your dirty ass man friend sticks his finger in your butthole mid coitus and draws a moustache on your face with the treasures he finds in his deep sea finger dive.
Newly created counterpart: Purdy Manchez. When your special little tinder date of yours is over and you didn’t realise you were up to that GOT red wedding episode up in your lady jay but decide to fool around anyway. As he intimately finger bangs you and looks deep into your eyes you slide his hand up to his face and wipe it subtly across his mouth and cheeks. When he gets up to go to the bathroom post boinking he catches a glimpse of that rouge in the mirror, and thinks “boy you so purrdy!!”.
Original: Screaming Seagull. Your summer vacation fvck buddy decides to coat his tiny peen with sand as you bang one out after a margarita too many and insert it back into your southern taco. This of course has you scream out in the furthest thing from bliss, and therefore look/sound like a seagull. Hilarious. *rolls eyes*
Newly created counterpart: Howling Wilderbeast. Your man comments on how beautiful your place smells, the candlelight fills the air. He suggests to put on some music and move the mood to the bedroom, he puts on Barry White or some sh!t. You still haven’t forgiven him for that sh!tty seagull move from your lame ass Floridian holiday 3 months prior. Do you know how long it takes to get sand out of anything?! You ask him if wants do something kinky tonight, hell yes he does! Hey at least you got permission. Then you pour hot candle wax, regular wax, any wax really if you have it, all over his hairy ass body. He’ll be plucking hairs out via candle wax for weeks.
Original: Angry Pirate… Almost all of you have probably heard about this lil number- Where some dude finally fulfills his lifelong dream of going balls deep into Captain Jack Sparrow by squirtin his hate juice into your eye, and once blinded kicks you in the shins. Put on some eyeliner, down some Kraken rum and for godsake just leave the girls out of your sexually confused fantasy.
Newly created counterpart: Catwoman That Bro. Probably closer to a “Superman That Ho” than an Angry Pirate but a Superman was just too tame to find it’s way into this post. As he reaches his climactic proportions throw an angry cat at his face and then wrap a blanket around him and the cat quickly so it can’t get out. Whip his dick just for fun, because isn’t what this is all for? Once he is free and runs out of the apartment calling you a crazy b!tch keep smirking, he can leave but you already stole his wallet. Good luck getting home bro!
Original: Bucking Bronco, some guy says something traumatising, like “I have AIDS”, to the poor woman he finally convinced to sleep with him in his mother’s basement and holds on for dear life when she struggles to get free and start therapy for PTSD.
Newly created counterpart: My Little Pony, after your drunken one night stand wakes up in the morning you ask him if your mom should fix you breakfast, you tell him you don’t need any because you’re already late for school and your high school principal is already super close to expelling you. Isn’t Algebra like soo hard! One Direction posters optional.
Original: Houdini/Magician. Don’t want to bring the mood down but uh.. this is just straight up rape.. Did that girl give consent to the stranger you just tagged in? No? 911 Please.
Newly created counterpart: Magic Carpet Ride. That last one makes us feel icky so you know what.. Anyone withconsent gets to ride this magic carpet!! Riding the magic carpet is for men and women, or women and women or men and men.. As long as at least one partner hasn’t waxed (or fallen victim to the howling wilderbeast), someone has to bring the carpet to this sexy ass ride!
Original: Strawberry Shortcake/Cheesecake, Guh… how do we even make this funny.. A guy cums on your face and then punches you in the nose. Got the visual? Ok now, what the hell is wrong with humanity?
Newly created counterpart: Fvck This Sh!t!! Wow, you know what we thought we could bring balance to the sexes with these sexually perverse acts but honestly we happily bow out. You win creators of these vile exploits. We most definitely don’t want to win, yuck. We’re off to go for a shower now to get the stink off and think of nice things like rainbows.. Or puppies.. Yeah puppies.. Wait don’t lick me there, that tickles and feels.. No Rover, bad puppy.. Ah help me get these images out of my head!!
